well, it's been a very tiring year, a year that tested me to the limits, where i was forced to confront with challenges in which i undeniably failed to handle some of them.
and also, more than a year has passed since i started doing this program, and until now, i'm not sure how to answer if there's anybody asking me as to my life here has been worthwhile or not.
you know, sometimes thoughts that have been consolidated with belief are difficult to be erased. i kid you not. this happens to me. never a moment i missed the chance of thinking how my future gonna look like. a doctor. an engineer. a clerk. a useless citizen. an inventor. a politician.
some people have so many times told me, that, don't think much about the future, or else you gonna end up suffering miserable regrets.
idk, but my readings, in each motivational book have said otherwise. it we construct our plan, to achieve our dreams, so minutely, putting every possibility counted, i don't think it would turn to be different than what we forecast. yeah, it might twist a little, but at the end, we know, with full confidence that it'll be a success. just like we planned.
right now, to at least, make things move. i stick to the religious point of view, whereby it says about GOD's plan to every humans which is better and the result of it will always gonna be beyond human thoughts. i believe in that. i must believe in that.
and as for my updates in KMB.
1) alhamdulillah, my pointer went up 4 points (although i initially targeted 8 points) hehe. it should be easy for me to produce point jumps as my previous point was 30. which might be considered-out-of-the-norm if i were to record below this point for my second sem. Four subjects improved and the best of all would be biology which went up 2 points from 5 to 7. i feel relieved to at least satisfied (although she might be the one helping me) my biology teacher, as she had been very concerned and attentive toward my problem. she did regularly update my progress for my application of changing my course. she even offered me various solutions, which i deeply appreciate. thanks teacher. your the kindest.
2) placement: looking at my performance, my results, my participation, teacher's perception, i decided that i'm not good enough to aim high, and compete with those really dedicated people. i knew i was incompetent. so, i chose twinning program as my first choice. A part from that, i know, me having chosen medicine, have something related to my mom. emotionally. so, i guess it would be probably much better if she could see me, being a medical student earlier, as i'll be doing my clinical years at PMC, Penang. i just wanna let her see me, wearing a white coat, proudly declare myself as a medical student. maybe if i'm doing full course overseas, this might not happen. yeah, at least what have i been complaining to her have come to a very satisfying end.
3) interviews. i knew, if i couldn't depend on my result, i should perform in the interview as this gonna be the deciding factor for my placement. but as i have put twinning program as my first, i didn't really feel the need to perform and therefore i did little preparation. this is saddening. i knew this should not happen, but my body refused to listen as my mind had silently, lost hope.
4)ielts. i scored 7.5 in the overall and also the same score for all components except writing which i got 7.0. honestly, there was a night that i couldn't sleep as i feared failing this test. and it happened after i took the test. i seated directly in front of the speaker but the volume was too loud, i wasn't able to recognize the meaning and it scared me to death thinking about my listening result. at last, thanks to Allah, i passed. :)
5) posts. while in KMB, i'd been selected to hold a few posts which are the badminton club's president, english club's commitee, and head of external bureau for guidance and counselling club. honestly, i would say that i failed so terribly in delivering my responsibilities in all those three posts. 'jangan bagi orang bermasalah pegang jawatan, dia kena setel masalah dia sendiri dulu'- this would be my answer. but i have improved, trust me, i'm ready to hold responsibility right now. am sorry if it's too late already.
6) academic day : my parents were called to attend this session in the last semester. A letter was sent to them, telling that they MUST come to college. at first, i didn't quickly put the blame on me, as i know, i had not studied well, and was actually aiming to get out from medicine with a solid reason that my i couldn't perform. all the teachers agreed that i must take immediate action on this, and just make a clear decision as to continue or to stop. truth be told, i was stuck and indecisive at that moment. and that led to more terrible outcomes. and i thought i definitely have to improve. in the second sem, in fact i did, but i failed my maths. i just needed 5 for maths to get into the honor roll's but yeah, everything happens for a reason. and one of the reason is, my parents gonna be called for the second time. SIGHS.
7) very recently, i'd received a response from MARA. telling me that i can pursue my studies in engineering with one condition. i can only study locally and not anywhere outside the country. if i were to be brave enough, if i were to emulate edison's, and einstein's path, and other great scientists' story, i'd choose to go for it. but, the stakes are high and i'm putting my future at risk, with unpredictable economic condition, i decided to stick at this. medicine.
and so, the question of why should never been raised again. that's what i keep telling myself. now i should ask 'how' to build my interest in this. and alhamdulilah, after watching videos about weird diseases, listened to many stories about diseases, added with my own observation on this, have slowly built my enthusiasm. although not as strong as the old one, but it's still something precious. it's at its embryonic stage right now. and i'll nurture this interest until, i reach the ultimate obsession, which almost certainly, needs a divine touch. :)